Having a journal is like having a stack of letters that you never intend to send. When I was 24 my mom read my journal from cover to cover. It was invasion of privacy that I don’t think I will ever get over. It sounds silly, but it was so traumatic. The scariest part about dying is knowing that someone will more than likely find your journals and figure out you were never really that great of a person. When my mom became aware of the relationship Rae and I share she told me it felt like I had died. I saw the sadness, anger in her face. Man, I could see that I let her down. There is no look worse than seeing how much you have disappointed someone. I work so hard to make my parents proud, and once again I had failed. That’s why I rather just live a lie and hide forever and let everyone else believe the fantasy that I am someone I’m not. Aren’t I so selfless?
The other thing that sucks about dying is:
Going to hell.
I have accepted the fact that I am scared to death to go to hell. It took me awhile to realize this is how I feel. Jesus offers us freedom and love. So why do I not feel free? I don’t feel free because instead of worrying about being close to my Lord and being in communion with him, I am more concerned with what comes next and where I will end up. The truth is that I have actually created hell on Earth for myself… and all to avoid hell! How ironic.
I just don’t get how who I love and how I love them can send me to hell.
Total sidebar here. I really am not offended by the duck dude.
I mean, what did you expect his views to be on the gays and the blacks? He thinks the way every other evangelical of his generation thinks. I just don’t understand why people were shocked. I also have to admit I do not watch Duck Dynasty at all. I watched an episode for forty five seconds once and I was bored out of my mind. I give them props though. People love um.
My question to the world is this: Why do we care what some guy who invented a duck whistle thinks when Sublimes’ “Date Rape” song is being blasted in every high school throughout America? That song is vile and should be illegal. I wouldn’t wish rape upon Hitler himself. And I am a huge Sublime fan. Badfish or bust.
-Kathleen Coco
klosetista 